Gone
by Fragile Sunflower
Summary: The loss of a loved one inevitably causes Russia to suffer, but how does he cope with it? Or does he even cope with it at all?


_"Russia...I'm..dying." She said, barely managing to talk.___

_She was hooked up to a million machines, lying in a hospital bed. Her skin was a pale white and her e/c eyes were dull. She looked like a fragile porcelain doll that could break at any moment. Her eyes were half open and had a distant look to them. She was there physically, but mentally, she was someplace else, an effect of the medicine she needed to take. Five weeks ago, she was diagnosed with a terrible, terminal illness and only given a mere month to live.___

_Russia was determined to stay strong in front of her, but on the inside, it felt like he was dying with her. He cried every night and prayed for her to miraculously to get better, wishing it was him instead of her. He never expected this to happen to them and he loved her too much to ever let her go.___

_He choked back tears and held one of her delicate hands in both of his. "No! Don't say that!"___

_She looked at him with a hopeless expression. "You can't deny the truth, Ivan."___

_Before he could reply, she started having another coughing fit, but this one was much worse than the previous ones; she started coughing up blood. Russia shut his eyes tightly, not wanting to see her suffering, and squeezed her hand.___

_He opened his eyes when she stopped coughing, there was blood on the corners of her mouth and tears streaming down her face. "Ivan...it hurts so much."___

_"I know, love, but please hang in there," he replied, caressing her face with one of his hands and wiping her tears away.___

_"I..can't...I love you, Ivan...I always will," she told him, then the heart monitor stopped beeping and went flat.___

_The next thing he knew nurses and doctors were rushing into the room. They tried everything to revive her, but were unsuccessful, and there was nothing else that they could do.___

_"Sir, would you like a moment alone with her," one of the doctors asked, his eyes full of sympathy.___

_Russia didn't even bother to look at him, he couldn't take his eyes off her. He nodded and the doctors and nurses left the room.___

_"If only it was me instead of you," Russia said sadly as he rested his head on one of the bed's bars, grabbed her hand, and broke down crying_.

_"Я люблю вас тоже." [1]_

~~~ Russia woke up from his nightmare with tears escaping from his eyes. It has been two weeks since she died and that nightmare has reoccurred every night since. He tried to move on with his life, on the surface he was doing okay, but on the inside, he felt dead. He couldn't even say her name without almost crying. Every day felt the same to him, everything was so gray and black, but he couldn't let anyone see him so vulnerable; they might try to take advantage of him.

He wiped away the tears and went to his bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face, erasing the evidence of him crying. He exited his bedroom and slowly walked down the stairs feeling groggy and depressed. He entered the kitchen and saw Lithuania cooking breakfast, whistling.

"Good morning, Mr. Russia," Lithuania greeted, "care for some breakfast?"

"No, thank you," Russia denied, getting a bottle of vodka from the freezer and then leaving the room without saying another word.

Ever since she died, Russia had been drinking more than he ever had before, but nobody else in the household really noticed that because he has always been a heavy drinker. They knew that Russia was depressed, but didn't know to what extent and were oblivious to the worsening signs. He stayed in solitude all day, claiming that he had too much work to do, but he was really looking through all of their captured memories over and over again. His ever present smile wasn't there anymore, and when it was, he was faking it. But of course nobody knew that, and even if they did, they'd never actually confront him about it due to the fear of what might happen to them. Truth be told, he really did want someone to confide in, but at the same time, he knew he would never receive that.

He took a swig of vodka, trying to make the pain go away to no avail. It would take more than a swig of vodka to numb the pain of loss.

Russia looked at the bottle and sighed. _'No matter how much vodka I drink, I can't get rid of this pain.'_

He threw on his coat and stepped outside into the chilling air. He couldn't take it anymore; he had to go visit her again, even if she was six feet below.

While driving on a busy road, Russia saw a happy couple walking amongst the many buildings holding hands. The girl was giggling at something her lover said, and looked like she was blushing, and the guy was smiling as if he owned the world. Just a few months ago, that was him and his girlfriend laughing without a care in the world. A tear rolled down his cheek, but he softly smiled at the sweet memory.

He found her grave near the back of the cemetery under a large, ornate willow tree. Two vibrant flowers lay in the grass before her grave: a sunflower and a red rose that he gave her when he last visited. Her grave had a crucifix on it and below the crucifix was a message that she took with her to eternity: _'Я люблю вас тоже.'_

He sat Indian style on the grass directly in front of her grave and began fiddling with the sunflower in front of him.

He sighed, sorting out the thoughts in his head. "Oh, Y/n, where do I begin?"

Russia gazed up at the sky for a moment, and then paid his attention back to the grave in which his love was buried.

"...It's been about two weeks since you've passed on. Not much has changed since I last visited. I still have a reoccurring nightmare of when you died in the hospital which causes me to wake up with tears streaming down my face. I just can't seem to get you off of my mind no matter how much vodka I drink. It's pointless. I spend my day in the office looking through the pictures we took. It's really boring without you here, even if I actually do have a lot of work to do because I'm a country. I can barely eat either...I have given up on life..I miss you and I need you here with me.

By the time he finished talking, his face was soaked with tears. Russia stayed there sitting in the grass watching the clouds pass by for about two hours. He was more tired than when he woke up this morning, so he laid his head down on the area right in front of Y/n's grave. In a sense, it felt like they were actually together again. The thought comforted him like a warm blanket and helped drift him off into a peaceful sleep.

Russia awoke to gusts of cold air hitting his face. They took him away from his only solace and were bringing him back into his nightmare: reality. He had dreamt of actually being with Y/n in a beautiful sunflower field with the sun setting in the background. The cruel wind tore him away from her whispering "She's gone..."

He sat up and chugged down the rest of the half empty bottle of vodka, but again, it didn't help him. The alcohol had no affect on him whatsoever. Feeling angry, impulse caused him to throw the good-for-nothing empty bottle at the willow tree. It shattered on impact. The shards scattered all over the place, but miraculously, not a single shard hit Russia. However, several shards hit the grave of his love, creating flaws on the once perfect marble. Glass bounced off the grave and severed the innocent heads of the flowers. Knowing it was her favorite flower, Russia picked up both the halves of the red rose and tried to put them back together, but nothing could be done to save the flower. He put too much pressure on the stem which caused a crimson stream to flow from his thumb. He gently set the rose down on the grave and licked the source of the blood, trying to stop it, but it wouldn't quit, so he ignored it.

Russia broke down, he covered his violet eyes with his freezing cold hands and commenced weeping

When the tears ran out, he stood up and stumbled to his car, and he drove home without a problem.

He stepped inside and slammed the door shut. He was greeted by the nervously smiling faces of Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia.

Russia glanced at them and took note of their faces. '_They must notice how horrible I look.' _But even if they did, they kept quiet about it.

"Hello, Mr. Russia," Latvia greeted, trembling.

Russia nodded at the trio and walked past them, not even bothering to smile. They didn't pursue the Russian man to see what was up, they just assumed he wanted to be alone and went off and about to continue their work.

Russia sat down in his office chair and stared at the blank desk. His vision was blurry with tears, but his thoughts were clear. He wanted it all to end. He wanted to see her again. No, he needed to see her again. He took out the black pistol from the drawer beside him and stroked it.

_'This could all end...I just can't do this anymore.. I don't want to.'_

He stood up, kicked the chair into the wall, and held the gun up to his temple.

_'I just can't live without my sunflower anymore. She was my life line...This is it.'_

He smiled, his eyes were wide and full of tears.

"Прощай, жестокий мир"

Having said his final words, Russia pulled the trigger, trading a life full of sorrow for eternal happiness with his true love.


End file.
